I seem to be taking a lot of breaks from the blog, social media, and life in general. I haven’t been having a good year. And that’s because I’ve been trying to work on myself. But when you don’t have plans or know what to do with yourself, it’s hard. I’ve been having a tough time, trying to find myself, my style, my feelings, my thoughts. It’s becoming increasingly hard to analyze myself in a clear light. But it feels so easy to do so for others.
Last week, I had a friend visiting and we talked about how we’re our own worst critics. We come down so hard on ourselves for shit we didn’t even do. And then after, I talked to M, and said that my insecurities were out of control. And that has been going on in every aspect of my life. Which I, then, believe is responsible for everything going on in my life.
I haven’t been able to score a job, even though I apply like a mad woman. I haven’t been able to tackle my skin issue, even though I take immensely care of it. Haven’t nailed down a style, for me or my social media. Again, when it comes to ourselves, why is it so hard to figure things out? I’m a creative person. I have interest in all sorts of things. I can design your logo, your website. But not mine.
I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about what I want to do. Planing for what’s ahead. Trying to make sense of what it is I want to be pursuing. Because it’s easy to know what you don’t want to do. You just feel like crap doing it. Coming to the conclusion that it’s a no-no. But everything that makes my blood boil, adrenaline spike and enthusiasm shine, eventually becomes just another task.
Whether it’s because I feel alone, depressed, lack of feedback — or maybe that’s the problem. Constantly searching for feedback. But how are we supposed to know it’s the right thing? Does it feel right all the time? Just sometimes? Or does it feel scary, unsure, unknown?
I guess I wanted to update you all on my absence, but I managed to spill out a confusing little essay. Or have I? What have you all been up to? Still there? I’m working on a two week freelance project, had a friend visit from Portugal, have been listening to tons of podcasts, spreading out my social wings and focusing on creating content. I’m done making promises because life is about to change and we’ll see what’s ahead. In the meantime, follow me here for daily updates.