There’s a constant battle inside me that often ponders about if I’m doing the right thing or not. A week or so ago, I texted my husband saying I was not feeling myself. Contrary to what Beyonce and Nicki Minaj sing, I’ve been struggling deeply inside. It may not seem like it, and I never let it show, but it’s been getting to me. Granted, since I came home, I haven’t had time to myself. But even though, it’s been hard dealing with a few things that have been lingering throughout this year.
Confrontation is not my strong. Neither is letting go of people. I’m slowly realizing that, with age, those two come hand in hand. I’ve always been a people pleaser and try to make every part right, which is ultimately impossible. I’ve been juggling mine and everyone else’s expectations and it does not feel good. By trying to make everyone feel included, I’ve been excluding myself and feelings from the equation. In only one week, I managed to hurt someone’s feelings and my own because I haven’t been really truthful.
This all came to me while chatting with a friend, almost until 6am at my doorstep. I said things I normally don’t even admit to myself, and felt sort of relieved. We’re never ready to admit when we’re being mean, petty or hateful. But I did, with no apparent reason whatsoever. What I soon realized was that, the problem was in me. My own thoughts, feelings and attitudes were betraying me. Hard. I don’t like to be this person – and believe no one does. But I also need to talk to someone about it and be that person for a night.
I’m so in control of what I say, and even think, all the freaking time, it gets exhausting. Like I’m walking on egg shells. And what’s the point? No matter what you do, there’s always going to be someone who hates you, dislikes you, idolizes you, wants to be you and feels happy for you. So my question is, who should I look for and keep in my life? People should not make you feel insecure, hurt, jealous. They should bring you strength, compassion, empowerment.
I’m at a stage in my life where I just want to be surrounded by the latter. And I want to be those people. I want to constantly feel happy about others, celebrate their accomplishments, victories, relationships, steps. This past week felt like a month. And I want to remember it deeply, for it’s going to open this brand new phase in my life where I’m going to be welcoming a shiny and bright person. Not to say I won’t have those off days (who am I kidding?), but I want to work towards surrounding myself with loving and caring people. The end.