Yesterday I had a really bad day and, as I’m writing this, the day is not over. It’s almost one o’clock in the morning and I decided to take a very honest and raw shot at what’s going on because I sincerely feel like I need to pour. If you follow the blog for sometime, you know that I’ve been struggling to find a job in New York and, I think that it’s, mainly, because I need a work visa. And yesterday, I got yet another rejection e-mail!
I think I can surely say that it’s becoming harder and not easier to deal with those, because they come with no explanation. We regret to inform you or we’ve decided not to proceed are fastly becoming the english words I hate the most. I’ve been getting pretty down when those e-mails come in my inbox and I guess it’s because they make me question my worth and capabilities. They make me think I’m not working hard enough, that I’m not worth enough and ultimately shake everything else that’s going on.
I’ve been a pile of stress lately, been having trouble sleeping, probably not eating right or enough, and thinking deeply about my life. It’s not that I’m unhappy, or that I need a job to fulfill me, but dealing with constant rejection through any means of social media gets to you. I feel like I don’t want to be glued to my phone or computer all the time but also that I have no other option – and I know, first world problems. But this is taking a toll on me and shaking my beliefs and goals in life. Of course I want to work, be successful, contribute more to our household, our family, my future, and it’s just a kick in the gut every time I get rejected.
Feels a little bit like the story of my life, working hard like shit and not going anywhere. I could say that it all contributes and prepares me for what’s to come but, what is it? Is something actually coming? I’m slowly losing faith in myself and what I’m doing, over reading the word no countless times a week, or no word at all for that matter. I’m feeling lost in a way that I’ve never felt before and don’t know if I’m supposed to be here or somewhere else, doing this or something else.
Feeling this powerless is a shitty turnout.