Yesterday I had a breakdown. Between managing my anxiety, having friends over and the horrible week, getting out of bed did not seem like an option. I stayed as long as could, reading a book, drowning in my thoughts, dreading the world. For some reason, after coming back from our vacation, I only felt blue blue. I’m guessing we all do, after such beautiful and intense experiences. But life does not seem good.
Getting out of bed, going to the gym, and even making my smoothie has been a serious struggle. And I do not mean to sound like a damsel, but it seriously has. I have to mentally push the barriers stopping me from living. The first few days, my apartment was my cocoon. By the end of the week, I was slowly starting to go out and ended up with plans for the whole weekend. But for some reason, I found myself needing a routine. When you’re traveling, it’s hard to get something going because every day is different. But back home, in NY, it’s been quite a few months. I can’t remember the last time I had a fixed routine that I stuck to more than 2 days in a row.
I hit a breaking point and spilled it all out to my husband. Granted, I sounded like a four year old whose ice cream someone had taken. But it was exactly what I was feeling and how I was feeling it. Which I’ve come to realize, should never be dismissed. By anyone. I reckon if you’re feeling something in a certain way, you have your reasons. But no one should be able to tell you that it’s wrong, or childish, or fair. I realized I was missing steadiness, realness, habits, amongst other things.
Routines help keep me grounded and not wondering what the heck I’m doing the next day. It calms me down in ways I can’t even explain. But working (or trying to) from home, can have a floating effect. Especially because you are in charge of your schedule and owe it only to yourself. So today, I woke up feeling a bit more invigorated, even though I went to sleep at 2AM. It’s been a productive morning, and I shall keep it going for my mental sake.
Here’s to trying to get things out there and making it in the world. If you are struggling, I am with you. All the way to the sheets.