Last week began horribly. I woke up on Monday feeling like shit. The bags under my eyes were deep. The shower I took did not wake me up. My outfit was a mess. And to top it off, I forgot my umbrella on a day that was pouring rain. Which means I got home completely drenched. Physically and mentally. Of course when things are bad, we tend to make them worse. I started feeling insecure, comparing myself to other people, and sadly feeling sorry for myself. I was borderline mediocre.
Naturally, misery loves company, so I texted a friend back in Portugal. Woke him up with endless buzzing sounds and got 30 minutes of his attention before he went back to sleep. I went on about how unhappy I was feeling and why. Stating my reasons, vomiting my pain. In the beginning he was sympathetic, sweet, nice. But by the end, he was about to choke me under the grounds that life wasn’t that bad.
Of course I felt immediately relieved because, more often than not, we just need to talk about it. There are going to be shitty and endless days. When everything seems dark and that mediocre life feeling settles in. Like you’re never going to accomplish anything and you’re not where you thought you would be. But he turned to me and said, look where you are now. Look how brave you’ve been. I told him to fuck off.
Because the conclusion I came to is that I am mediocre. In everything I do. And I’m not saying that to get some sympathy. I’m saying that because I never follow through. I have the beginners guide to everything, but I don’t do anything. I don’t master any craft. Which made me think about my childhood and how I went from after school activity to after school activity. I did ballet for 3 years, played piano for 5, tennis for 4. Then started photography, web design and fashion courses. And this can also apply to several other areas of my life. I don’t follow through with diets or healthy lifestyles. I’ve tried being vegetarian, vegan, carb free, dairy free. AND SO ON.
At this point, I was laying on the floor, almost pulling my eyes out, when a thought popped into head. On How I Met Your Mother the Naked Man (or Mitch) asks the mother what she wants to do in life. The mother answers she wants world peace. And Mitch says that everything you do, from now on, has to be towards that goal.
So I started counting all the things I know how to do and how probably, I am working towards my goal. It just doesn’t feel like it because I’m not there yet. Not even halfway. Maybe I don’t necessarily need a craft, but to know several of them. That I’m probably feeling mediocre because I’m thinking mediocrely. This led to me getting up, cleaning the apartment, walking the dog, making dinner and lunch for the next day. It’s not a craft. But it’s a start. Just getting off my butt made me feel a thousand times better. Deviating from those thoughts is what makes us evolve and actually do something.
The day after, I sent a couple of emails, came up with a plan. And, from now on, I’m going to continue to move towards that plan. Always reminding myself that everything we do, leads us somewhere. We just have to mentally adjust to the reality and find a way to be okay with it.