I’m normally a person who easily expresses herself through writing. I’m terrible at confrontation, I hate it, and most of all, talking about my feelings. I developed sort of an ironic sense, towards talking about my feelings. Especially because they were often dismissed or people were telling me I was acting out. But lately, I found out that people should never dismiss what you’re feeling. You’re the only one who can talk about it. You’re the one feeling it. And I feel sad.
You are constantly told that you should feel good about your life, count your blessings, enjoy the little things. And for the most part, I honestly do. But for the last few months, something has shifted and I find it difficult to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel sad. The thing is, we are going through several bureaucratic processes that make it impossible to go back home. We are waiting for some papers to arrive so we can actually travel. And the thing is, we are on constant standby to get on a plane.
The anxiety of the process is making me break down every single way possible. Physically, mentally. I feel sad. I break down in tears every day and it seems to help a bit to release tension. But the main reason isn’t because I’m not back home. It’s because I’m not allowed to go back home until the papers come. I find it astonishing that someone is telling us we have to stay put for no apparent reason.
Then, there’s the fact that summer in New York is highly unbearable. It’s too hot, humid and warm to go out – when it’s not raining cats and dogs. I always have the summer to reboot back home. And it’s like a fresh start when I come back energized and feel like I can take on this city. Friends and family keep asking us when we’re going back and it’s tiresome. They just want to know, of course, but I’ve been either avoiding talking about it or just sharing with my husband the frustration.
Evidently I’m tired of the waiting. I’m tired of being told what to do. I’m tired of the limitations a life abroad has. And I’m tired of missing out. On people, moments, feelings, real seasons. I’m also tired of hearing people say how grateful we should be. How grateful I should be that I live in New York, have an apartment, food, health. And while it’s all true, I also want to be able to feel like crap. To be genuinely sad. I don’t want to use the word depressed because I think it’s too strong, but I feel sad. And when I saw this video, I cried, because someone was finally telling me that it’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to be sad, feel sad and not have a constant smile on your face.
That’s why it’s been hard to vlog. Take pictures. Or even do anything else. It’s hard to look fine when you don’t feel fine. It’s hard to pretend like you’re having this amazing time when, actually, you’re not. It takes everything I have to get out of bed these days. Every little bone in my body wants to curl up in bed until the papers come.