Lately I’ve been debunking a whole new side of myself. In the past few months, I’ve been dealing with very familiar and unfamiliar feelings all together. There’s a hard debate going on inside me, that I mostly keep to myself, but like to put out there. Not only as a way of unloading all this crap. But, also, as a way to figure if any of this happens to you too – and I’m assuming it does.
First off, the familiar. I dealt with a few situations of injustice where I wasn’t given the benefit of the doubt. I was quickly written off and judged as a mean girl. If you know me personally, you know the first thing I do with someone is grant them the benefit of the doubt. Especially when I don’t know anything about the occurrence. We all have our assumptions and negative thoughts, but we really don’t know about something until we’re confronted with the truth. And the truth is not something we cook it up to be. It’s what actually happen.
I felt unease for weeks. Bad in my guts for something I didn’t do. Now that I have more clarity, I realized it didn’t matter anyway. The problem with being accused of something you didn’t do is that, it hurts right then and there. But when you start to think about it, why should it hurt if you know your truth? One thing my husband taught me is to care about your own truth first. And the incessant necessity we have to prove ourselves just to seek approval. When in the end, it’s not that satisfactory. So I released that monster and found inner peace.
I’ve also been dealing with extreme anxiety. You can tell all over my face, skin, guts. I haven’t had a rested night’s sleep in ever. I’m always controlling a sense of nervousness in my stomach. It’s manageable at times, but right now? Impossible. Like I’m going to throw up. But again, in moments where I find clarity, I relax a bit and let go. I don’t want to be the one always hurting from anticipation. I fight this every single day.
The unfamiliar, which I’ve only recently detected, is patience. I’m usually not a patient person and want to get everything done/ready right away. But despite a few crying sessions here and there, I’ve been feeling pretty put together. No one teaches you to deal with the situations the world puts in your lap. And you want to believe that good things are ahead and that everything happens for a reason. It’s all well when you say it or think it. In reality, things are always harder. As you grow up, fiction becomes your relief because all seems to workout all the time.
In the meantime, we have been living our lives, trying to make the best of what we have. Focusing on work, self-improvement and realization. My husband and I have been talking every other night about these feelings. Even though some of them sound crazy, it’s good to just share and feel heard. We’re not seeking each other’s approval – and certainly don’t pat each other in the back – we’re teaching, learning and making this yet another experience to grow upon.
The most important lesson I want to learn this year is to put me first. I’m exhausted of managing expectations. Being quiet just because I’m afraid of what the other person is going to think. If you don’t like me as is, we can both move on and stop pretending. Or maybe it’s all boohoockey. Who’s to say?