The First Monday In May

I had this totally different post planned for today. It’s been a two-week long coming and I don’t know how to put my thoughts eloquently enough. It’s been a hard past few months and this weekend I was hit with something I wasn’t expecting. Something that makes you question how big your problems are, compared. But let’s start from the beginning. The first few months of a new year are always a blur for me. They separate the time we get back to New York and eventually go back home for summer vacation. In January, I signed up for a few classes at Parson’s to get a certificate in Fashion Business. Classes ended in April. And it’s already the first Monday in May.

I have this weird feeling that I keep working hard and getting the same outcome. Which makes me question it all. Should I be doing this? Should I be investing my time and money elsewhere? Where is this going? What do I aim to achieve? It becomes a down pit wheel that I can’t seem to abandon. Overwhelmed with classes and not being able to clearly express myself, I dug a hole. And I know how it goes, yet, I can’t seem to prevent it from happening.

Throughout the past weeks of silence, I made a promise that I would be back on the first Monday in May. I keep searching the realms of my brain, heart and soul. Trying to find the thing that clicks. And I haven’t been sitting on the couch thinking about what I should do. I’ve actually been experiencing life without any sort of obligation. Trying to figure out what I want, like and love.

As I’m writing this, my entire apartment is a mess. My head is a mess. My body is a mess. And I don’t feel like pursuing my alleged dreams anymore. Maybe that’s just today. Maybe tomorrow I will feel different. And then bam. Saturday morning happened and I was shaken. The thing is, I’ve been struck with bad thoughts, comparison feelings and an overall sense of failure. But when you’re thrown some perspective, things shift. Later that day, I had dinner with my husband and we talked about everything. We cried, laughed and felt incredibly grateful to be alive, healthy and living in New York City. Everything else seemed trivial.

In the last few years, I’ve been putting an effort into becoming a more positive person. Just because I believe people get better outcomes once they aren’t as negative about situations. But that doesn’t make it real all the time. And what you’re left with, are insecurities, doubts and fears. While my struggle continues, I feel like I found the inspiration I needed and the motivation to keep me going. All because of a piece of news. I love you. Thank you for being on that side and let’s get this show on the road.

Happy first Monday in May.